Life Update

Hello everybody! I'm sorry that I've been MIA for most of this month. This month has been a rough one. I've been dealing with a storm of depression and anxiety which makes this lifestyle change more difficult then when I'm feeling high.

On August 21st, we had to put our baby Alice down. We took her into the emergency vet thinking that she was either depressed or dehydrated. She wasn't acting like herself, she wasn't eating and barely moving. Her eyes were sunken in and she was breathing faster than normal. Her vitals were checked and her temp was low, her breathing was labored, and her oxygen levels were very low. Because of this, they took her into the back to an oxygen cage and to do x-rays because they were afraid that there was something wrong with her heart. Unfortunately, she had something called Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy which means that the muscles around her heart were too thick to let her heart pump fully and for the blood to flow properly. This was causing blood clots which could spread to her brain and her back legs. She also had fluid pooling in her lungs, which is why her breathing was labored. The vet gave us one of two options, either we could have put her on medication and take her in and out of the vet and best scenario would be that she would be back even worse in three months and maybe a year to live. But it would be very painful and a lot more could go wrong. It was the easiest hard decision we have ever had to make. We were able to spend her last moments with her and be with her when they put her to sleep. It was heartbreaking and I cried for two days straight, but I'm at peace with it. I miss her, I love her and she will always and forever be my baby.

McClain and I have been wanting to get a dog for a while, but we live in a one bedroom apartment and two cats and one dog would have been a bit much. Not to mention, Alice was a little diva and hated all other animals except for Nala who she didn't like for a long time. After grieving Alice we decided it was time to adopt a new family member.

This is Walter (Walt). He is a 6-year old, 3 lb, rescue chihuahua that we adopted from Ruff Patch Rescue. Every Saturday that have an adoption event at PetSmart in Jordan Landing. We decided to swing by to get an idea of what kind of dog we wanted. McClain LOVES chihuahuas, and I've never really preferred them. But we saw this little guy and we knew that he was destined to be our new fur child. He has brought a whole new feeling in to our house. He and Nala don't really know what to think about each other quite yet, but I have a feeling they'll be the best of friends.

This month has been really crappy when it comes to exercise.. This was the last time I went to the gym, the Saturday before we lost Alice and that was the first time in two weeks. It's been an okay eating month, but not great. Luckily I haven't gained any weight, but I haven't lost much either. Just know that my journey isn't and won't be perfect. I slip and fall, but I'm getting back up and hitting the ground running.

When we adopted Walt, they took a "family picture". For fun I decided to do a side by side. This is February compared to August. Even though it's been a hard month with very little progress, I cannot help but be amazed by our progress. We're both down over 40 pounds. The difference is not just in our weight, but also our happiness. Granted, we did just adopt our dog, but it's a significant difference. I am so proud of the both of us and so lucky that we're doing this together. This week I have gotten back on track, which hasn't been easy but I'm feeling great. I'm hoping that September will be much better!

Project Self Love Update

Since this has been going on for two and a half months, I didn't think it was necessary to do weekly updates, so I figure I'll just do one every few weeks. Because as much as I love bragging about how great I am, no one wants to read just that. I inspire myself and that's not a bad thing. I'm kidding... But I am happy that I'm finally becoming happy.

I hit another huge milestone this last week. I reached my summer goal, which was to get under 200 pounds! On June 1st I decided that on September 1st I would weigh 199 pounds. On August 9th, I stepped on the scale and weighed exactly 199 pounds. That's 39 pounds that are gone. The picture above is April vs August. I remember seeing that first picture and being so embarrassed. It was taken at Disneyland and I didn't even want to show it to anyone. If a picture wasn't taken by me at the right angle I didn't want anyone to see it. Which is silly. Because you look decent for a still photo but in real life you don't look like that. But in this second picture, there is no special angle, I'm not even facing sideways to hide my partial figure. I'm just happy at how far I've come in just 2.5 months. 

Two weeks ago, my husband and I both lost our fitbits. We have NO IDEA how it happened but they're both gone and no where to be found. So we upgraded, I got the fitbit Alta. The only reason I wanted this one is because of the digital face that shows you time, steps, calories burned etc. It also gives you notifications from your phone, which are REALLY useful. Other than that, it does the exact same thing as the Flex. 

I've had a rough few weeks. I posted last week about my anxiety and how big of a role it plays in my life. I've really had to slow down that last couple weeks, I've been taking time to just slow down and focus on my mental and emotional health more-so than my physical health. I've still been eating good, but I haven't been going to the gym as often as I should. I've been frustrated because I feel like I'm going through such a good season in my life right now that I hate even the thought that there are tough days.

For those of you who don't know, I am a huge fan of Demi Lovato. I have loved her since her early Camp Rock days and she has been such a huge part of my recovery. I was lucky enough to finally see her in concert last week and it was definitely one of my favorite nights ever. Three years ago Demi came out with a book called "Staying Strong 365 Days a Year". There is a an inspirational quote, written piece by her and a goal for each day. I recently rediscovered my copy and I have kept it on my desk at work to give me a little piece of help each day. Today's entry was something that I really needed to hear. She says: "Oftentimes when we compare our struggles to others', we end up feeling guilty and accidentally invalidate our own feelings. When I broke my ankle, it really sucked, but I realized someone on the other side of the world may not even have fresh water. Sometimes we instantly shame ourselves because someone is in more pain than we are, but all pain needs to be acknowledged because it's real. And just because you haven't had as much as another doesn't mean you haven't struggled. GOAL: Whatever you are going through, make sure you validate how you are feeling. Value and respect your emotions as if they were someone else's." This was really helpful today. Even though my pain and my hurt may be minuscule, it is still valid and needs to be acknowledged. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Don't ever diminish your emotional needs. 

Anxiety

I've started this post several times, and I don't exactly know how to start it. So I'm just going to jump right in. I have anxiety and depression. It's something that has plagued my life ever since I can remember. It's something I'm open about because a lot of people aren't. I think it's important to bring awareness to mental illness, because it's very real and easily goes unnoticed. It's often something that you can't see from the outside. I've become really good at putting on a face to cover the storm that's going on inside. 

Friday, was a day that I used to have more frequently than not. I've been on a really good streak for the last 6 months. Thanks to God, my patient husband, loving family and my amazing doctor. But Friday was another story. It was the first time in a long time that I had to leave work early because I couldn't focus on my job. I spent the afternoon going through the motions of trying to prevent the inevitable panic attack. That night, my husband and I had a concert we were going to. The KLove Positive Hits Tour, we were really stoked to see Passion with Kristian Stanfill. I overcompensated for what I was feeling by dolling myself up. But I couldn't shake the anxiety and the negative energy running through my head.

I decided to snap chat in the moment because I tend to only post things that are "perfect" and I'm not by any means perfect. We went to the concert, which was phenomenal. It was my first professional worship concert, and it was amazing to be in a room with hundreds of people worshiping Jesus. During that time the anxiety and darkness left my heart and mind and I was full of God's love. 

After leaving the concert, it all came flooding back. And the inevitable happened, it was a long time coming and bound to happen, but that doesn't mean it wasn't difficult. I know that even though for the time being they've slowed down and I'm learning more and more how to combat them, it's something I'm going to be dealing with for the rest of my life. I don't tell you this to throw myself a pity party and say, "Hey, look how hard I have it." No. I tell you this because I know that there are a lot of people out there that deal with the same thing that don't have the support I do now. I used to be in the same boat. I use to fight this fight alone. But I'm here to let you know that you don't have to. That you've got someone fighting the same fight. I've made it this far, and I'm not stopping now.

Project Self Love: Second Month Review/ 9 weeks

Hello all. We are two months down! To date I've lost 34 pounds. I lost less in July then I did in June, but have started lifting weights and have noticed the toning of my legs, arms and back. There are few things I love more than sore muscle. Even though it's painful to walk sometimes, I know that hard work went into the pain and the shrinking fat.

This month there weren't very many changes, because I now have a routine that works for me. And because I'm an organized psycho having a routine is very important. Not only for my physical health but for my mental health as well. I'm really not good with change, so if things are constantly changing I tend to crash. Above is my Monday-Friday routine. If you don't care, which you probably don't, feel free to skip.

This month I have started lifting weights. I have definitely noticed changes in different ways than I have when I do just cardio. Not only am I just losing weight all around. but noticing differences in my upper arms, upper back, hips and thighs. 

This shot of the treadmill screen was taken yesterday on my break workout. And the mirror selfie is a post workout snap. I try and burn at least 500 calories total during my workouts. I thought that I would hate being sweaty and then have to go back to work for an hour. But it's such a good escape and break from my job. I got the idea from my good friend Amy, whom I sit next to at work, who is kick-ass at being healthy. When I do the treadmill, because I'm no good at running, I do incline speed walking and sometimes running. It works for me. If I'm not doing the treadmill, I'm usually on the upright bicycle which is really good at kicking my butt.

I've had several people reach out to me to ask me how I'm doing this and that my journey makes them want to take their own. All I can say is I owe it all to God. If he didn't show me how to love myself I wouldn't know that I deserved so much more than being unhealthy. I had to be willing to be patient, to see the weight fall off. I had to give myself a purpose for this Journey. I had to tell myself that this time I won't give up. That 2016 was my last unhealthy year. I had to believe in myself. It hasn't been easy, but it has been so worth it. I am so happy today that two months ago I decided to make a change, two months ago I had no idea that on August 4th I'd be 34 pounds lighter. My summer goal was to lose 39 pounds by September, and I am 5 pounds away from that goal! Once I hit that goal, I think I'll be brave enough to actually start posting my actual weight. 

Anyway, I am going to start posting recipes weekly because that is something that has been requested quite a lot. Thanks for supporting me and for motivating me to keep going! Till next week! 

Project Self Love Week 8

Hello everyone! I'm still taken aback by how many weeks it's been. It's been almost a full two months. Each month I have hit my goal plus some, which means that I've lost 30 pounds! That is insane to me! I still have four days left in the month so we'll see where that takes me!

These were progress pictures I took last week and felt so good about it I had to do a side by side. I catch myself walking by the mirror and think "Damn". I know I've worked really hard for it and I'm so much more physically capable than I was in that first picture. In that first picture I was eating 2,000-3,000 calories a day. I sat down all day and made excuses for not exercising. I had barely any clothes that fit and I was depressed and miserable. I would avoid the mirror and camera at all costs. If I were to take pictures, I would make sure it was from above and I was sticking my head out as far as possible to diminish my double chin. I look at that first picture and am so sad at what I see. I look at the second picture and see someone who was broken but has put herself back together (with the help of God) and is making positive changes in her life. I'm finding myself and learning how to care for my body. I've learned to listen to my body and to feel comfortable in my own skin. 

Earlier this week I was listening to I Hate Myselfie by Shane Dawson. He is a popular internet personality that lost 200 pounds. He was talking about how he worked at a weight loss center and would ask his clients what they would do if their car broke down. They would answer, I would get it fixed. He would then point out that they were willing to invest to fix their car, but wouldn't invest to fix their body. You need to take care of yourself as much as you take care of the other things in your life. You need to invest in yourself, because this body is your vessel. It is going to be with you throughout your entire life, why not treat it with respect?

This week I was able to start helping lead worship at my church. Worship was a big part of how I was saved back in 2013. Singing and Jesus are both things that I have been extremely passionate about my whole life. When I was introduced to worship I knew it was my calling. For the last two and half years I have been a part of my churches worship team. I am now honored to help lead which is something God has put on my heart for a long time. God knows the desires of your heart and he will put you where you belong.

Not too many updates this week, but a lot of thoughts and a lot of gratitude.