Learning to Love Myself

My relationship with my body has NEVER been a good one. I remember thinking as a young girl that I had a really fat tummy and legs. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think those two exact thoughts. I have never treated my body the way it deserves. I've harmed it, scarred it intentionally, starved it, overfed it, and have not used it to it's full potential. From self-harm to an eating disorder I've come to realize the root of all my problems. I have always seen my body as worthless because that is how I figured the world saw it. I was always rounder and shorter than my friends growing up and was always so envious of their naturally thin bodies. The way the media perceived the "perfect" body was no where near what I could ever hope to be. Therefore I stopped caring about and for my body. 

This first picture was about 3 months after I started eating again, and was about 10-15 pounds heavier than I was when I was dealing with anorexia. I went from one extreme to the other. Instead of not eating at all I began eating everything. After my eating disorder in 2013, three years later, I'm 70 pounds heavier. When I lost all control and became larger, I tried embracing my curves and rocking the plus size girl life. But I never felt comfortable there either. I have resented my body for 22 years. I have let it hold me back from so many social outings and physical activity. I started living to eat rather than eating to live. And because I had so much going on emotionally inside, I used food as therapy. I've had a really unhealthy relationship with myself and with food. 

Things are changing. Because it's not too late to learn to love myself. It's not too late to stop letting food and being an introvert limit me. I'm not only going to eat better and cleaner, but make sure that I'm giving my body the exercise it needs. I want to go on hikes and play a game of softball. I want to go swimming and not hate it the whole time because I hate my body so much. As my sweet husband always says "If you don't like something about yourself, you have the power to change it." I can't rely on anyone else or anything else to make me love myself. So here's to the beginning of a long journey, hopefully this is the time that I don't give up. I'm hoping that if I make myself accountable to my few blog followers that I'll have another reason to not give up. Two days down, forever to go.